Sunday, October 31, 2004
Spending a lot of time thinking about things lately. Don't know if I've grown mature or the opposite. There's a lot of things I know I can't handle but doesn't mean that I can never handle. It's filled with a lot approaches and such. Am I running away from things? I rather things hit me right in the face actually. But I still do not know if I'm running away subconsciously.

My phone hanged the other day. The message seems as though it was never there. Does that mean something?

What's so difficult about smiling? The difference is just real or fake isn't it? I'm so tired of everything already. Should I say something very tacky and corny here? For all my life I could pretend and hide all my feelings and pretend and pretend. You came in, I thought you're just being dumb to see things this way, you seemed to be the last person that I'll ever take notice of. You told someone that I hated you when I didn't even know you. It seems that I'll never talk to you ever. Little by little you came up to me, told me some things which I wonder when did I ever started to accept all these supposed bullshit. I don't know, everything felt so real when I was with you, it was very different. You're not the same. Now that you've left, it's just so difficult to pretend like before. I tried to tell you a lot of things this period of time. When are you just gonna listen? You know I'm not unreasonable. You know I'll get very jumpy when I'm ignored. I didn't mean to be so bitchy and childish but can you just listen? You realised that I can just get somebody to help me right?

This week was terrible. Something supposed big happened but I don't know if I should grieve. Confused. Never gotten the chance to talk about it or whatever. Hmm, sometimes I really wished he's still here. Even when we were together, maybe he wouldn't be with me anyway. So I guess I'll do just fine. I'm afraid of every tomorrow.

How to disappear completely?

+mood+ i-want-breakfast
+listening+ usher featuring alicia keys ~ my boo