Sunday, December 26, 2004
Christmas is filled with love, joy and peace or so I heard. Be happy.

My lil wish didn't come true. It was just so simple. Guess I haven't been good enough. Even Santa refused to do me this small favour. He almost gave me the worst. At least he gave me some guts left. But he also threw in angst and stupidity. How much do you want me to feel in a day? I'm tired you know? Nobody said easy except me. I don't want to eat my own words. 2 weeks had been up a million years ago. Another 2 weeks, another 2 weeks yet another 2 weeks. Am I supposed to follow instructions? Hahaha, what a joke. I'm too petty to take it. I'm not cool enough. Almost did the worst yesterday. Laugh, on christmas day. I finally could control. I'm good. I'm proud. Deon's words did ring. Friendship does exist. Bit by bit, step by step.

Why expect? Yesterday I was having a mental war with myself. The wilful side and the nonchalent side. The wilful side insist that the expectation is just that, after that, it's just nothing. I'm not gonna push it. Well, this can be rather true, I can't say, shit do happen sometimes. The nonchalent side says why expect? There's no point. If you insist, expect the worst. There's no point really. Well, this side is the old-most-of-the-time-me. I can't really say which side won though. Well the fact is, nothing happened, I mean the reality. Mentally, the virtual world around me, is still struggling.

I was thinking about crying. Hmm, a very tricky respond to emotions. Very deceiving actually. Tears flow because of a sudden stir of emotions right? But after the tears, you think it through, you questioned why the tears flow. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. So tears just flow without the mind really thinking most of the time. Hmm, but that's debatable.

I think I'm getting a mental breakdown soon. Help me through this. It's starting to attack me physically too. Okay, when I say that, I don't really mean actually help and actual emergency. I'm still at my thinkin and processing stage. It's actually no where yet. Just stand by. Hahaha.

I am so disappointed with christmas this year. Not just this and that but also this and that. When is it my turn to feel some joy? Was that it? Hahaha, 2 weeks. Pun not intended.

+mood+ bed-dy
+listening+ radiohead ~ talk show host