Thursday, July 29, 2004
Think I've been sleeping too much and doing too little work lately. Why the lethargic?

Went to St Luke Old Folks Daycare Centre today. Quite an experience. A bunch of friendly folks. It's rather fun actually. Just that I felt kinda sleepy. Haven't got much to say about that. Always tried to help in environmental and kids stuff. Olk folks are something new. Supposed to go for 8 winds buddhism study today. Whatever the reason, I didn't go.

Was thinking about certain past events lately. I mean ultimately I'll still tell myself to fuck it and move on. Oh well, was just thinking about the times when I was just being myself in my own world, say before JC. I don't know. JC was about something totally new. I'm not the one that changed much, it's just everything else that made the drastic change. To bring in band analogy, to make an accent, everyone just has to put in his one grain of rice to fill up the bottle. Like what? More or less, I still locked myself up in my own world. Guess what? Maybe it was just never locked, it was just never opened.

Talked to Wendy yesterday. She was asking me about ZJ. Actually, I don't feel much about it. Seems that she's more bothered than I am. People do not understand my simple stand. It's the presence of feeling that matters. It's not about the magnitude or about the rest of the world. I think I like him and that's it. Does that mean I'm not supposed to like someone else? Why isn't it possible? I won't want to answer who do I like more. It's stupid in a way. They're all different anyway. I don't like to talk about piorities. As long as I like it, shouldn't it be all? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just being selfish.

He asked me the other would I forget him. I told him I wouldn't, without a reason. I don't like people to step into my life a second time. It's very common of me to erase all contacts and purposely drift apart from a person. He knew that, guess he's just afraid of being victimized. He asked if I believe him. I said yes rather unconvincingly. Well, I know whether I really do or not. He doesn't expect anything from me, neither do I expect anything from him. It's all something from nothing, so is there something ultimately?

Something else is about Jialin. I don't know why I am very frustrated by the issue. So what's the big deal? There's nothing I can do, you can do, anyone can do. And so be it. Shan't harp on it anymore. Why, why do you have to cry over spilled milk?

Actually I'm not unhappy. Just pondering about certain matters to clear things up. And I'm still kinda sleepy after sleeping off the whole afternoon. Cheers.

+mood+ sleepy
+listening+ Itzhak Perlman ~ Theme from Shindler's List